The sudden urge to write in the middle of the night in silence is here again. But note that it's 1.45am hence my incoherent and insane state of mind...

The concert is over, and what can i say, it was amazing. I'll do a proper post on it for keepsake purposes, just hope my words would do it justice.

*

 Sometimes, keeping it all in is the best option. only option.

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To add some positivity to my life, here's 10 reasons why I am happy today + the past few days!
(in no order of significance/chorological line-up)

1) despite band starting at 12pm today i managed to wake up ON MY OWN at 7am!!! felt really refreshed and rejuvenated after 7 hours of sleep hehe

2) studied alone in school at the usual bench for 2 hours with the cool morning breeze made it kinda enjoyable....i was actually SINGING to myself while studying can you believe this?!! (although my productivity is spiralling downwards ever since, as you can see, but who cares)

3) band as usual perked my day up, with all the retards making me laugh so hard. love the feeling of accomplishment at the end of practice when we ran through all the songs for concert. :)

4) did i mention how i'm quite addicted to busy-ing myself? ok that sounds weird. you know, like having happy stress from your workload. that was how i felt when i did my treasurer duty today, collecting all the money and tickets from the band and having to count everything over and over again. mm i like this.

5) nana told me a couple of days ago she is able to make it for the band concert!!! still quite bumped char can't come, but it's okay. excited to see nana again after what seems to be eons ago!

6) shakespeare in the park with class was a bundle of fun and madness, great bonding time with the girls (and 2 guys hahhaha). what's better than good food, romantic ambience (fort canning park at night), and crazy company!

7) i slept in for an extra hour on thursday cos it was raining so heavily when i woke up that i decided to reward myself a little and hence, snuggled deeper into the covers hehe. best part was, i didn't even get booked by the guard for my late-coming! (i didn't knew late-coming was accepted on rainy days...mmmm an idea just appeared in my head ^^)

8) i saw this really adorable little boy yesterday after band...he smiled at me when i waved at him and even gave me a flying kiss, aww. may he keep this innocence in him as he grows up.

9) my mummy cooked yummy dinner today, my stomach is so blessed. oh, had dinner with j1 bandies yesterday night after prac too. :))

10) caught a snippet of mr sim's pensive side today when he was commenting on the Adele piece before we played it. as said before, catching such random moments of others' deep and emotional side interests me greatly.


I'm looking forward to next week, stoked!!!!



ending this post with a picture of the weirdest/bitchiest/funniest lit teacher of mine...

I really need to learn to surrender everything to God, everything.

I'm getting caught up in all my worries again, forgetting that there is the big picture nicely planned out and is currently being executed. Trying really hard to not judge matters based on my own understanding (because i know it'll lead me to nowhere but endless frustration) but get through each day knowing things will be better, hopefully.

My mind is constantly at odds with itself, it's confusing me....and i hate it.

This verse is the only thing i cling on to to keep me going, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6


JESUS. LEAD ME.

Today's small group discussion in youth was on 'Tough Life', and i think uncle SK really brought out the essence of the message.

So...as jc/poly kids, when we hear 'Tough Life', the first thing that pops out inevitably is SCHOOL. The ever-replenishing sea of assignments and day-to-day stress is enough to drive almost everyone up the wall, without a doubt qualifying under 'Tough', right?

Hence, he started dissecting this whole stupid singapore education thingy for us, and well, it do make sense.

Singapore's education system falls under 'Jungle Training'. Simply put, the standard and requirements needed to excel in it is leaps and bounds when compared to other education systems around the world, ie US/Australia. To obtain the exact same university degree as someone overseas, one has to undergo almost an entire year worth of modules + extra school stuff in Singapore.

And we all hate it, don't we?

However, as we all know, jungle training is especially handy only when we are OUT of the jungle. In the meantime, infinite struggles and obstacles will come our way. He gave the analogy of being diving-trained in Singapore (since he is a qualified diver haha). In here, divers train in the murkiest waters, straining their eyes to be on the constant look-out. But because of this, Singapore divers are qualified to dive ANYWHERE in the world, under any conditions.

Yupp, of course, this being said, it does not mean we advocate of this system. Just that if we are entrenched in this, so be it.

Then he proceeded on saying, everyone needs to go through this process no matter what, examinations and all. As if this isn't bad enough, we won't be done with exams till approximately 8-10 years later. (A's, uni, masters, double masters/phd) I was appalled!!! Ahh, such is reality.

So, while going through the whole examinations fiesta for years, why not learn to take it in our stride and as absurd it may sound, enjoy it? (be it working hard with friends/cca/all other school activities etc) Only through this will we feel less tormented and agonised.

Taking silence from everyone as a cue to continue, he explained, the only reason why we hate exams so much is only because we had (or still having) some sort of bad experience with it (eg doing badly/not meeting expectations). This is fear, and what fear can do to people is scary. It subconsciously builds a defend wall for protection. We try to escape, try to evade, but to no avail. 

Overcome this fear and you release yourself from a huge burden just by doing this. The minute we can face exams completely calmly, will be the day we can consider ourselves conquerors of the Singapore education system.

(I realised after reflecting that this applies for almost every other fear we have)

Yupp, and to be honest, i really want to excel in JC. I mean, i have always wanted to do so, just that now i actually think that i may be able to really do so. No matter how insignificant my MSA results may be, it kind of gave me the confidence that i too am capable of producing stellar results, not just mediocre ones i had throughout the past years. Of course, i know that my MSA results are such partially due to luck, but i honestly worked hard for it.

I remember my sister telling me once, attaining good results isn't one bit difficult, the challenge comes in sustaining it. I didn't quite understand what she meant since i had never produced very fantastic results to be proud of.....but now i get her drift.

The pressure is on, and i want to do this.

Pushing people away.

They think they get it, but they really don't. It's not something we do because we like it. Or simply because. It's not something that is within our control. It's like a built-in reflex action. Once people cross the line and we get too comfortable and attached, our body detects it immediately like a foreign object that must be gotten rid of. We do it almost subconsciously and effortless. Like it's a habit. A bad habit maybe, that developed from the belief that we should all push them away before they voluntarily choose to leave you eventually. And well. you know what they say: Old habits, they die hard.

One thing about people who build walls and push off anyone who tries to climb it: We don't even need to try. We practically watch it happen. Feeling every part of us fall apart inside, but we watch it happen. We watch ourselves do it and we won't stop it. Because we can't take the risk of letting them in, giving them our trust, and eventually have them throw it back in our face like, Oh thanks, but no thanks. Just like all the other times.

Instead of getting emotionally attached so easily and causing a whole load of people-drama, sometimes I think we should all exist as little soap bubbles and bounce off one another.
No strings attached.

They think they get it, but they really don't.

A quickie before i head to bed to reflect on the past week.

Indeed, the past week was honestly quite horrible, absorbing stress from every subject (including PW ugh), band, and class. But guess what, by friday, things started brightening up.

Went for LIFE concert with the usuals (i was so sad sam couldn't come along but nvm) on friday night after band. I went for the concert not expecting much, just wanting to experience the SA christian culture, but God took this opportunity to speak right to me. Praise and worship felt so good, being able to forget everything and sing my heart out to God!

Then it was the testimonial sharing by this teacher, Ms Hon. She recounted how she got through the 2 whole years of jc life, especially towards the A's and the A's itself. the thing that struck me hard was before she ended the sharing, she adviced everyone to 'not focus on whatever situation we may be facing, but really, just trust in the Lord'. We may not understand anything we are currently going through, and if we are to concentrate on the difficult circumstance before us, we will simply end up getting so disillusioned and depressed.

At that point, everything started becoming clearer. All these while i've been focusing so much on the problems overwhelming me, and when i realise there is nothing i can do about it, i got frustrated and helpless. I totally forgot how He brought me through every phase in my life thus far, even when things seemed impossible with all odds against me and i simply couldn't understand anything at all.

This wasn't the end yet, God took it one step further. When we were singing 'Amazing Grace' afterwards something was already stirring up within me, till i sung 'He will be shield and portion be/As long as life endures', it was like Him reassuring me that yes, why am i worrying so much? why am i in such distress?

So yupp, i'm so thankful i went for life con and received this timely reminder. :)

ok i was about to write bout saturday too but it's already 12.32am and i'm pretty sure i will regret tmrw morning if i still don't sleep!

nights world, may the week ahead be a bearable and maybe even enjoyable one for everyone.

inferiority is attacking me from every direction.

felt this sudden disappointment towards myself during masterclass. the realisation that my playing is simply not up to the standard hit me hard when my crass tone when compared to theirs' are worlds apart.

don't even mention being a dsa player (SUPPOSED to have that edge over the other j1s, being a more proficient player), even as a normal member my present state is completely unacceptable. to me at least.

i practice. and practice. but somehow i just can't get anything right, disgusting throaty tone, spasmic fingers that refuse to run, weak embrochure which hurts so damn badly after each practice.

what's worse, every time i fail to perform up to expectations, D's eyes..........it's as if he failed to teach me properly. which obviously isn't true, he too kept trying to help me improve since i entered in october. i hate letting myself down, but i hate letting others' down more.

plastering a smile everywhere i go, no matter how vanquished i am feeling inside. if anything, sympathy is the last thing i need.

i am so tempted to just stop trying altogether, since no matter how hard i practice, everything remains stagnant.

no, i can't. who am i to give up when every single one of my section member is working so hard? i would only become more of a burden to them if i do. how selfish.

where is the Ling Yi repleting with the fighting spirit deep within? the one that fired her up right from the beginning.


I need her back.




i know my posts are getting more depressing as the days go by....i'll attempt to post a proper entry soon. when my mind is cleared up and heart less heavy.

I want to be a bear.

 

so that i can be big and fat and no one cares,
so that i can hide in my cave and shut out the world outside,
so that i need not know any disgusting creatures-- humans.

 

I want to be a bear.

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this week was such a trying one. 

having multiple assignments due throughout the week hence leaving me with only 3-5 hours of sleep everyday is the least.. well at least it's only physically exhausting.

being surrounded by a sea of people yet still feeling like a sole island, must be one of the worst emotions ever. i go there desensitised, just hoping to get through the day with my mind occupied fully on work. 

i don't feel like trying to fit in anymore....it's too tiring.

albeit surviving alone would be difficult but whatever, i will just wait for a real friend in there to come my way. hopefully.

 if only i can coop in the band room all day long with the usual peeps  (alone would be nice too) and ignore the rest of the world. that'll be lovely.

*

i should stop worrying/stressing myself out excessively. it does NOT help anything, nothing at all.

what can i do anyway?

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It's a brand new week next week and i'm rather excited for it, but the thought of having to get through monday first is depressing.

survived MSA week despite feeling unprepared for almost every paper, thank God! but getting back the results is a whole different matter altogether....ah well.

thank goodness i have fun and goofy classmates (as seen above) to make school more bearable. :) all the retarded jokes and random camwhore sessions too.


---



returned to PL last thursday after school to collect sgc and to visit the band!

walking in to those gates and seeing familiar faces made me miss everything about PL a gazillion times more, especially when i entered the band room to see my children (haha yes, the band kids are my children!!)

amazing thing is, Chanel, Annabelle and Karlyn were all there too!!!!!!!!! gosh, i was so surprised and happy. Sir came after that too. we all sat in a circle at the back of the band room and reminisced bout the old times plus updated each other on our lives now, even Sir! He's really so nice to me, i miss him so much.

the band atmosphere felt different, but i simply can't point out what. hmm

the usual problems surface again, i am not one bit surprised. just really heartened to see all the leaders working so hard to push the band, i know it's difficult. push on dear girls, stay strong!


please let me survive monday......................................... :(